Quirks or Dealbreakers? How to Rethink 'The Ick' in Modern Dating

They wear ankle socks. They sing karaoke unironically. They frequently use ellipsis when texting. And suddenly, all attraction vanishes. Sound familiar? It’s called the ick, and it’s everywhere in today’s dating world.

A survey by dating app Badoo found that over 70% of singles have felt “the ick” at some point during the early stages of dating. Think about that: a majority of people have dismissed potential connections over trivial habits or minor quirks. While it’s perfectly natural to have preferences, the growing obsession with “icks” might be holding us back from genuine relationships.

Let’s take a closer look at what’s fueling this phenomenon, why it’s more prevalent than ever, and how to shift our perspective to build stronger, more meaningful connections.

What Exactly Is "The Ick"?

While “the ick” isn’t a clinical term, it captures a very real experience—when a specific behavior or quirk suddenly turns you off. It’s that sinking feeling in your stomach that makes you want to distance yourself immediately.

But in today’s dating landscape, it’s no longer just a passing reaction. Thanks to social media platforms like TikTok, “the ick” has morphed into a cultural trend. People post videos sharing their pettiest “icks,” often turning harmless habits into reasons to bail. As psychologist Sanna Balsari-Palsule warns, this mindset can lead to a hyper-critical approach to dating.

Why Is "The Ick" So Prevalent Now?

Part of the answer lies in dating apps. With endless profiles at our fingertips, we’ve become accustomed to instant gratification and the illusion of unlimited options. If something feels off, it’s easy to convince yourself that the perfect match is just one more swipe away.

This “swipe culture” reinforces a culture of disposability, where we treat people like products that can be replaced at the first sign of imperfection. Combine that with the curated, highlight-reel nature of social media, and you’ve got a recipe for unrealistic expectations.

The Real Problem: Are We Avoiding Connection?

“The ick” often has less to do with the other person and more to do with us. Dismissing someone over a minor flaw can be a way of protecting ourselves from vulnerability or intimacy. After all, staying single feels safer than risking rejection or failure.

But hyper-focusing on flaws blinds us to the bigger picture. As research from Psychology Today shows, constantly seeking perfection makes us less likely to notice positive qualities in others. This creates a self-defeating cycle of rejecting potential partners and wondering why dating feels so unsatisfying.

How to Move Past "The Ick"

If you’ve found yourself overusing “the ick,” it’s not too late to change. Here are some actionable steps to break free and give people a fair chance:

1. Pause and Ask Why

The next time you feel “the ick,” pause. Ask yourself: Is this truly a dealbreaker, or is it just something unexpected? Journaling your feelings can help you pinpoint whether your reaction stems from personal insecurities or past experiences.

2. Reframe Your Perspective

For every one thing that annoys you, focus on three things that excite you about the other person. Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson’s “positivity ratio,” from her book, Positivity, suggests that cultivating positive emotions in a 3-to-1 ratio can lead to greater happiness. While her work doesn’t specifically apply to dating, the principle of emphasizing positives over negatives can help you reframe your perspective.

3. Embrace Their Quirks

No one is perfect—including you. Rather than seeing quirks as flaws, view them as unique traits that make someone stand out. Research from Western University in Canada highlights that long-term happiness in relationships depends more on the quality of the connection than on individual traits.

4. Be Honest About What Bothers You

Sometimes, “the ick” stems from behaviors that are easily addressed. Instead of silently judging, try an open and kind conversation. For instance, if they interrupt you often, you might say, “I feel most connected when we take turns sharing our thoughts.”

5. Challenge Your Biases

Examine why certain habits bother you. Is it because of societal expectations or personal hang-ups? Recognizing your biases can help you let go of unnecessary judgments and embrace a broader view of compatibility.

6. Talk It Over

If you’re unsure whether an “ick” is valid, share it with a trusted friend. They might help you realize it’s something you can laugh about later—or confirm that it’s worth addressing.

When "The Ick" Is More Than a Quirk

It’s important to distinguish between harmless quirks and true red flags. Disrespect, dishonesty, or a lack of compatibility in core values are legitimate reasons to walk away. These aren’t “icks”—they’re dealbreakers.

Logan Ury, author of How to Not Die Alone, advises focusing on the “big picture” in relationships. Rather than nitpicking small flaws, ask yourself whether this person aligns with your values and long-term goals.

Why It’s Worth Overcoming "The Ick"

When we let “the ick” dictate our dating lives, we miss out on deeper connections. Relationships are about more than someone’s texting habits or favorite TV show. They’re about shared goals, mutual respect, and a willingness to grow together.

At Capy, we encourage daters to focus on what truly matters. Whether you’re connecting over a shared cause or planning a Do Good Date, our platform helps you prioritize substance over superficiality.

Your Challenge: Look Past "The Ick"

Here’s the truth: Every relationship involves compromises. You’ll never find a partner without quirks. But if you’re willing to look beyond the surface, you might discover someone who surprises and delights you in ways you never expected.

The next time you feel “the ick” creeping in, pause and reflect. Is it a true incompatibility or just something different? Give yourself the chance to find out. After all, some of the best love stories begin with quirks—not perfection.

If you’re ready to date with more intention and authenticity, try Capy. We’re here to help you find real connections—quirks, socks, and all.

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